Lebron’s Lifetime Deal With Nike, Mayweather’s Lifetime Deal With…

Just when you thought Lebron’s $400-500mil lifetime contract with Nike took the cake, Mayweather signed a contract of his own. However, it might not be what you expect.

Read the story and check out the rest of this week’s headlines:

  • Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had their second child, Saint West, this week. Shortly after birth, Saint was moved from the delivery room straight into therapy.
  • A corgi bound for its new owner in Mississippi, accidentally ended up in Hawaii. After finally arriving in Mississippi, he was presented with the award for “Most Disappointed Animal Ever”.
  • A man named Bud Weisser was arrested for trespassing at the Budweiser plant. It appears that the most interesting man in the world might not be a Dos Equis guy after all.
  • Pennsylvania environmental officials say they can’t explain what caused a town’s “cat urine” smell. Apparently they’re still trying to narrow down which animals produce cat urine.

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  • Lebron James signed the first ever lifetime deal with Nike this week. Coincidentally, Floyd Mayweather signed the first ever lifetime deal with Hooked On Phonics.
  • A New Jersey councilwoman quit after her colleagues voted to add the word “Christmas” to their town’s tree lighting ceremony. Turns out she never quite understood the meaning of the 75-foot evergreen tree covered in lights.
  • Pepsi rereleased a clear version of their soda called Crystal Pepsi. They decided on the name “Crystal” after “Heart Stopping Sugar-Water” received poor reviews.
  • Finally this week: NFL quarterback, Michael Vick, plans to lobby for the passage of a Pennsylvania law protecting pets in hot cars. However, 99.9% of pets said they’d rather stay in a hot car than go home with Michael Vick.

Seattle’s Gum Wall Moved To New Location

Finally, after 20 years being covered in gum, the famous Gum Wall in Seattle is getting a makeover. The decision came after they discovered erosion caused by the sugar in the gum. Or to put it in simpler terms: someone in Seattle hates fun. Which makes sense, because they live in Seattle.

See where the gum was transported to after its removal and more in this week headlines:

  • This week, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and his girlfriend announced that they’re expecting their first child. Doctors are anticipating this to be the largest stone anyone has ever passed.
  • Jeb Bush said that if he could go back in time, he would kill baby Hitler. Which is weird, because the other 99 surveys said, “Ride a dinosaur”.
  • A legally blind barber was awarded $100k for wrongful termination this week. He was also awarded the knowledge that he’s not actually a dentist as he had previously thought.

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  • Crews in Seattle unstuck 1 million pieces of gum from the historic Gum Wall. They were then returned to their natural habitat underneath the tables at Denny’s.
  • A New Hampshire water park owner facing foreclosure chained himself to the top of a water slide in hopes of a financial miracle. The other miracle he’s hoping for: a day warm enough for a water park in New Hampshire.
  • Starbucks received backlash after removing the words, “Merry Christmas”, from the outside of their red cups. However, there’s still been no backlash for charging $5 for the liquid garbage inside of their cups.
  • Finally this week: A Phoenix police officer is seeking $123,000 from Arizona State University after their mascot injured his back when he jumped on him. ASU is now reaching out to the local Burger King to ask their alumni for financial help.

Mexican Food Is Making You Sick

It’s official: Chipotle and Qdoba are making people sick in certain states. Paying extra for guacamole now seems minor compared to paying extra for your hospital stay. Nothing like some E. Coli and Typhoid Fever to wash down your local, antibiotic-free, farm-raised chicken. Find out what other restaurants are effected and more in this week’s headlines:

  • This week, a company launched a Bernie Sander’s inspired line of underwear. This will be the first time that a presidential candidate has been featured on a pair of Depends.
  • A 17-year-old in Boston has 2 college degrees, flies planes, is an author, and works at NASA. By 2025, he plans to have successfully figured out how to unhook a bra.
  • Ohio voters rejected the proposal to legalize marijuana in the state this week. Looks like they’ll have to resort to their second and third favorite hobbies: praying Lebron doesn’t get hurt and praying Johnny Manziel stays out of jail.
  • A 97-year-old woman received her high school diploma after dropping out eight decades ago. When asked what she plans to do next, she answered, “Take a year off before starting community college”.

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  • 37 cases of E. Coli were traced back to Chipotle and 3 cases of Typhoid were linked to Qdoba Mexican Grill this week. Coincidentally, these are the same ingredients that are already featured in Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos.
  • This week, presidential candidate, Ben Carson, said, “We’d be Cuba if it weren’t for Fox News”. His statement helped American’s realize that Ben Carson has definitely never been to Cuba.
  • A Houston man was stabbed to death during a fight over the last piece of chicken. Coming this December: an even more uncomfortable KFC commercial.
  • Finally this week, a Washington D.C. police officer defused a fight between teens by challenging one of them to a dance-off. After losing, the officer pulled his gun and threw the teen to the ground.

New Weapon For Northern California Police

One Northern California police department has made a serious change in the way they protect the community. With all of the heat guns have been receiving, they decided to go a different route. Ninja stars? Maybe brass-knuckles? Or how about bows and arrows?

Let’s get into this week’s headlines to see what Nor-Cal’s most wanted have to look forward to:

  • This week, Oxford University conducted a study about where on the body people are most comfortable being touched. Most women answered, “Hands”, while most men said, “Dammit”.
  • Amazon announced that they would be giving away 1 free vinyl record a day for 14 days. Unfortunately, that’s twice as many days as people that still listen to vinyl records.
  • In irrelevant sports news: the Phillie Phanatic and 76er’s mascot raced to repel down a Philadelphia skyscraper. This officially marks the most significant sports victory in Philadelphia’s history.
  • In Game 1 of the World Series, Fox Sports Network had a power outage that led to broadcast difficulties. This came as a disappointment to everyone watching, except Pete Rose, who bet $10,000 on the game having a technical problem.

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  • A Northern California police department has completed training and has begun using num-chucks to subdue criminals. This is the biggest change the department has seen since Sheriff Bruce Lee took over.
  • The U.S. Geological Survey announced that 435 small earthquakes have hit Northern California in the last two weeks. Locals said it’s exactly like the movie San Andreas, but with better acting.
  • Bigfoot believers gathered at a New York retreat this week to share stories of their encounters. Or as locals call it: the rehab center.
  • Finally this week, Mike Tyson announced that he backs Donald Trump in the presidential race. That gives Trump an early lead in the, “Supporters With Face Tattoos”, poll.

New Details About The Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris Breakup

Taylor Swift saw another boyfriend’s shadow, which means another 56 weeks of inspirational breakup songs. It’s hard to feel bad when you know a sequel to ‘Bad Blood’ is already in the works. However, we need to be thankful, because without T-Swift going through all of these hardships, the Black Eyed Peas would still be allowed to make music.

So wipe those teardrops off your guitar and shake it off, it’s time for this week’s headlines:

  • On Tuesday, Lamar Odom was rushed to a hospital after he was found unresponsive at a Nevada brothel. Other side effects of keeping up with the Kardashians include: spontaneous sex changes and being friends with O.J. Simpson.
  • A New England man is selling “fall foliage” online for those who want to experience autumn. He came up with the name after “dead leaves in a box” weren’t selling.
  • An armed robbery suspect tried to use an Uber as a getaway car. He would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for his driver telling him his full life story.
  • A face-down dummy Halloween prank led to many 911 calls in Detroit. Although authorities arrived to find out no one was injured, they were still able to put out 2 house fires and stop a car jacking on the same street.
  • Twitter is allegedly laying off 336 workers this week. Employees are now seeing what happens when you don’t retweet the CEO.

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  • Taylor Swift dumped her boyfriend, Calvin Harris, after he spent 2 hours at a Thai massage parlor known for sexual practices. Maybe Taylor needs to be more specific when she talks about wanting a happy ending on her next album.
  • Rapper, T.I., said that he wouldn’t be voting for Hilary Clinton because she’s a woman. You think he’d have a newfound appreciation for females after his 6th child with a 3rd woman.
  • Wiz Khalifa was arrested this week for public urination. His manager told him to take his job more seriously, but he was so high that he thought he said to take his name more literally.
  • The first democratic debate took place in Nevada on Tuesday. The event featured Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and 3 guys pulled from a poker tournament that were promised a free dinner at Red Lobster for participating.
  • And finally this week, pictures surfaced of Justin Bieber naked on a balcony. Although the Canadian is unable to vote, it’s now clear that he hangs to the right.

How Prisoners Defeated Harvard’s Debate Team

One of the most notorious Ivy League school’s was defeated in a debate this week by prisoners from New York. Lucky for us, it’s a hell of a lot easier to get into one of those institutions than the other. Let’s get into this week’s headlines to see how these kings of orange jumpsuit fashion pulled off the upset of a lifetime:

  • News broke this week that the new Halloween Burger King sandwich with a black bun is turning consumers’ feces green. They then released a statement saying customers can expect a return of the black buns for St. Patrick’s Day.
  • Police showed up to a man’s house after he complained that he had gotten too high on marijuana. When they arrived, it turned out that Willie Nelson had accidentally set off his Life Alert.
  • Bad news: a priest has been accused of pointing a functioning musket in an 8-year-old boy’s face. Good news: this is officially the happiest story to date involving a priest and an 8-year-old boy.

JUNE 3, 2011 CHINO, CALIFORNIA Inmates stand in a gymnasium where they are housed due to overcrowding at the California Institution for Men state prison.

  • New York Prison inmates defeated Harvard’s debate team this week. The debate topics included politics, religion, and most effective items to carve into shanks.
  • A man legally named Santa Claus is running for city council in the Alaskan town of North Pole. He’s expected to receive 100% of the votes out of fear of being put on the naughty list.
  • This week a St. Louis couple got married after a text message to a wrong number brought the two together, despite a 30-year age difference. When asked for comment, the man said he thought he was creating a Facebook page.
  • A man sentenced to 20-years in prison walked from his courtroom to another courtroom to marry his girlfriend. This was followed by what can only be described as the worst honeymoon of all-time.
  • Finally this week, the NFL officially made it one full month without an arrest for the first time since 2006. Coincidentally, elevator camera sales dropped for their first month since 2006.

An Invisibility Cloak Could Be Yours!

From the big screen to the closet, an invisibility cloak could soon be yours. This is thanks to the brilliant minds at Cal Berkeley, who apparently think finding cures for deadly diseases is too mainstream. Why treat someone when you can hide them? Great thinking, Golden Bears!

Let’s get into this week’s headlines:

  • This week, the Pentagon’s Defense Department employees apparently spent $950,000 at casinos and $96,000 at strip clubs. After the allegations, the department quickly changed their old motto of, “What would Charlie Sheen do?”
  • A dad created his son a bed with a slide and a trap door with furniture he purchased from IKEA. Unfortunately, the man was trying to build a bookshelf.
  • A man that was believed to be dead on a Pennsylvania highway this week was actually just taking a nap. The highway now has a Yelp review that reads: Firm mattress, convenient location, but was rudely awoken by a police officer. 2-stars.
  • Nicki Minaj is expected to produce and star in a comedy TV series about her life. This came as a huge relief to her manager, who couldn’t quite figure out how to tell Nicki that her music is a joke.

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  • Scientists believe they’ve discovered a way to create a real invisibility cloak. Unfortunately for 20% of Americans, the cloak won’t be available in 4XL until late next year.
  • Belgian scientists are looking for biofuel clues in panda droppings. In other news, it turns out that Belgian chocolate might actually be a product of Asia.
  • Pope Francis visited Philadelphia this week during his U.S. trip. He sampled the food, met the locals, and officially declared the city hell.
  • The National Weather Service accidentally sent Connecticut a tsunami warning. The switch was located right next to the “Ohio sun warning” and “Arizona cloud watch” buttons.
  • And finally, Nabisco released their new cinnamon bun flavored Oreos. Finally, a snack with all of the self-hatred of eating a cinnamon bun mixed with all of the self-hatred of eating a full sleeve of Oreos.