An Invisibility Cloak Could Be Yours!

From the big screen to the closet, an invisibility cloak could soon be yours. This is thanks to the brilliant minds at Cal Berkeley, who apparently think finding cures for deadly diseases is too mainstream. Why treat someone when you can hide them? Great thinking, Golden Bears!

Let’s get into this week’s headlines:

  • This week, the Pentagon’s Defense Department employees apparently spent $950,000 at casinos and $96,000 at strip clubs. After the allegations, the department quickly changed their old motto of, “What would Charlie Sheen do?”
  • A dad created his son a bed with a slide and a trap door with furniture he purchased from IKEA. Unfortunately, the man was trying to build a bookshelf.
  • A man that was believed to be dead on a Pennsylvania highway this week was actually just taking a nap. The highway now has a Yelp review that reads: Firm mattress, convenient location, but was rudely awoken by a police officer. 2-stars.
  • Nicki Minaj is expected to produce and star in a comedy TV series about her life. This came as a huge relief to her manager, who couldn’t quite figure out how to tell Nicki that her music is a joke.


  • Scientists believe they’ve discovered a way to create a real invisibility cloak. Unfortunately for 20% of Americans, the cloak won’t be available in 4XL until late next year.
  • Belgian scientists are looking for biofuel clues in panda droppings. In other news, it turns out that Belgian chocolate might actually be a product of Asia.
  • Pope Francis visited Philadelphia this week during his U.S. trip. He sampled the food, met the locals, and officially declared the city hell.
  • The National Weather Service accidentally sent Connecticut a tsunami warning. The switch was located right next to the “Ohio sun warning” and “Arizona cloud watch” buttons.
  • And finally, Nabisco released their new cinnamon bun flavored Oreos. Finally, a snack with all of the self-hatred of eating a cinnamon bun mixed with all of the self-hatred of eating a full sleeve of Oreos.

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