One of the most notorious Ivy League school’s was defeated in a debate this week by prisoners from New York. Lucky for us, it’s a hell of a lot easier to get into one of those institutions than the other. Let’s get into this week’s headlines to see how these kings of orange jumpsuit fashion pulled off the upset of a lifetime:
- News broke this week that the new Halloween Burger King sandwich with a black bun is turning consumers’ feces green. They then released a statement saying customers can expect a return of the black buns for St. Patrick’s Day.
- Police showed up to a man’s house after he complained that he had gotten too high on marijuana. When they arrived, it turned out that Willie Nelson had accidentally set off his Life Alert.
- Bad news: a priest has been accused of pointing a functioning musket in an 8-year-old boy’s face. Good news: this is officially the happiest story to date involving a priest and an 8-year-old boy.
- New York Prison inmates defeated Harvard’s debate team this week. The debate topics included politics, religion, and most effective items to carve into shanks.
- A man legally named Santa Claus is running for city council in the Alaskan town of North Pole. He’s expected to receive 100% of the votes out of fear of being put on the naughty list.
- This week a St. Louis couple got married after a text message to a wrong number brought the two together, despite a 30-year age difference. When asked for comment, the man said he thought he was creating a Facebook page.
- A man sentenced to 20-years in prison walked from his courtroom to another courtroom to marry his girlfriend. This was followed by what can only be described as the worst honeymoon of all-time.
- Finally this week, the NFL officially made it one full month without an arrest for the first time since 2006. Coincidentally, elevator camera sales dropped for their first month since 2006.