New Weapon For Northern California Police

One Northern California police department has made a serious change in the way they protect the community. With all of the heat guns have been receiving, they decided to go a different route. Ninja stars? Maybe brass-knuckles? Or how about bows and arrows?

Let’s get into this week’s headlines to see what Nor-Cal’s most wanted have to look forward to:

  • This week, Oxford University conducted a study about where on the body people are most comfortable being touched. Most women answered, “Hands”, while most men said, “Dammit”.
  • Amazon announced that they would be giving away 1 free vinyl record a day for 14 days. Unfortunately, that’s twice as many days as people that still listen to vinyl records.
  • In irrelevant sports news: the Phillie Phanatic and 76er’s mascot raced to repel down a Philadelphia skyscraper. This officially marks the most significant sports victory in Philadelphia’s history.
  • In Game 1 of the World Series, Fox Sports Network had a power outage that led to broadcast difficulties. This came as a disappointment to everyone watching, except Pete Rose, who bet $10,000 on the game having a technical problem.


  • A Northern California police department has completed training and has begun using num-chucks to subdue criminals. This is the biggest change the department has seen since Sheriff Bruce Lee took over.
  • The U.S. Geological Survey announced that 435 small earthquakes have hit Northern California in the last two weeks. Locals said it’s exactly like the movie San Andreas, but with better acting.
  • Bigfoot believers gathered at a New York retreat this week to share stories of their encounters. Or as locals call it: the rehab center.
  • Finally this week, Mike Tyson announced that he backs Donald Trump in the presidential race. That gives Trump an early lead in the, “Supporters With Face Tattoos”, poll.

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