Beer Just Got Interesting

After centuries of filling up on carbonated sewer water, we may finally have a breakthrough in the beer world. That’s right, whiskey’s less talented cousin may actually become enjoyable. This week, a major discovery was made about one of its key ingredients. This means there may finally be an upside to beer besides taking hours to get drunk and waking up feeling like you were banging your head against a wall all night.

Let’s get into this story and more in this week’s headlines:

  • A missing 100-pound tortoise was found unharmed and returned to its owner after wandering nearly a mile away from its home. Judging by the distance he covered, experts say that he had been missing for close to 3 years.
  • The NFL season officially kicked off this week. Players say they’re relieved to be back running from opponents after a long offseason of running from police.
  • This week, a mystery chunk of ice the size of a basketball crashed through a California family’s roof. If rain is God crying, then this must’ve been God shooting an air-ball.
  • A man was arrested this week for allegedly sniffing girl’s feet under tables at a Florida library. Or as it’s known in Florida: a normal Tuesday.

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  • Researchers have successfully found a way to make THC from yeast. This means bread will now take twice as long to rise and “Bud Light” now has an entirely new meaning.
  • The Kansas State Fair announced that along with livestock, this year they will also be judging beards and mustaches. This is the biggest news to come out of Kansas since Dorothy dreamt her house blew away.
  • This week, Serena Williams lost in the quarterfinals of the U.S. Open. Thankfully, she was able to make the Packers season opener and they didn’t need to resort to their second-string linebacker.
  • Organizers in Rhode Island cleared a plot of land for a dog park by having 17 goats eat the surrounding brush. The group said that letting the animals clear the land is way easier than taking their covered wagons to Home Depot for a weed wacker.
  • And finally this week, Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, announced that the company is working on adding a dislike button. They know how to create the feature, they’re just unsure whether to have the button read “Dislike” or “Hillary ’16”.

Thanks for reading this week’s update. I’ll be taking next week off, so look for the next update on Wednesday, September 30th.

What Really Caused The British Airways Fire

It’s been a hot few weeks for Las Vegas. First, the Cosmopolitan pool caught fire, and now planes are going up in flames on their airport’s runway. Then again, what do you expect from a city built in the middle of a desert that’s only real purpose is to support strippers and host bachelor parties?

Anyways, let’s get into this week’s headlines to see what really happened:

  • This week, The Weather Channel decided to cancel Sam Champion’s morning newscast. This comes as terrible news for doctors’ waiting rooms and no news at all to everyone with a smartphone.
  • A judge overruled the NFL’s decision to suspend Tom Brady for 4 games for his role in Deflategate. The judge came to his decision after reviewing the evidence, hearing both sides, and accidentally drafting Rob Gronkowski in the first round of his fantasy football draft.
  • The national soccer teams of Mexico and Argentina playing an international friendly game at AT&T Stadium in Texas. Game day went as usual: fans filled the stadium, Jerry Jones made money, and the Dallas Cowboys didn’t show up.
  • The Kansas State band has been fined after their halftime performance appeared to show a penis-shaped object that they called a “Starship Enterprise” crashing into their rival school’s mascot. If their theory is true, then my sex-ed class might’ve just been a recap of Star Wars.

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  • A British Airways plane caught fire on the runway of the Las Vegas airport. No word on what started the fire, however, a group of Revolutionary War reenactors were seen fleeing the airport shortly after.
  • A Canadian couple watched their Florida beach home get robbed via webcam before giving the tapes to authorities. The couple noticed something was wrong when the episode of CSI: Miami they were watching looked familiar, but had no plot.
  • And finally this week, deer ate through a field of hemp crops that were at a Southern Oregon farm. The deer then proceeded to eat through a field of honey-buns at the gas station.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the next update on Wednesday, September 15th.

THE OFFICIAL SITE OF KANYE 2020

Okay, so I lied.

But Kim K. has been working endlessly trying to figure out how to turn the computer on, so the real site should be up by 2019. But since you’re here, check out what happened in the world over the last seven days:

  • On Thursday, the supplement company Vemma was shut down for being a pyramid scheme. This comes as terrible news to high school stoners, college stoners, and all owners of white sunglasses.
  • The management at the Auschwitz Memorial installed showers this week to cool down patrons that visited, which sparked heavy controversy. Apparently management hasn’t been fully informed about what exactly happened at Auschwitz.
  • In New York City, a baby was delivered in the back of an Uber car. The baby came out at 7lbs, 3oz, and $350 to clean the back of Kyle’s P.T. Cruiser.
  • On Sunday, the MTV Video Music Awards were held in Los Angeles. It was an exciting night honoring the 5 artists who still make music videos.

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  • Kanye West announced in his speech at the VMA’s that he will be running for president in 2020. Lucky for Donald Trump, he’ll only be the second most arrogant candidate next election.
  • 3,000 naked bike riders in Philadelphia photo-bombed a newlywed couple’s wedding shoot. Despite doing the shoot in the city, their photos were still full of bushes.
  • This week, a New Jersey teacher said that his breakfast is to blame for being late to class 111 times. Although it’s unknown what the students would do before his arrival, one student was quoted saying, “The first rule of fight club, is you do not talk about fight club.”
  • And finally, a county in New Jersey is launching a 30-day free shuttle program to drive drunken residents home from the bars to avoid driving under the influence. Although it’s not a notorious vacation spot, it looks like I’ll be spending a month in beautiful Evesham County.

Thanks for reading and be sure to check out next week’s update on Wednesday, September 9th.

1,400 Bottles of Wine Could Be Yours!

Before we get started: Today, a terrifying situation occurred on live TV. A reporter and cameraman from WDBJ in Virginia were tragically shot this morning, while on air, when a suspect open fired. Unfortunately, in today’s day and age, it was too easy for this footage to spread like wildfire and scar those who witnessed this terrible event. My thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by this tragedy and the entire journalism community. Without these people, I would have nothing to talk about.

It’s a difficult day to try to be funny, but the whole reason I started this is to give people a laugh to get through their day, so that’s what I’m going to do. Let’s get into the headlines from the last seven days:

  • Over the weekend, the Pokémon World Championships were held in Boston and two Iowa men were arrested after making threats aimed at attendees. The men had firearms in their car, however, the weapons seemed unrelated to their threats of electrocuting people with their Pikachu.
  • Two black bears that were known for causing trouble at Grand Teton National Park were placed in a zoo in South Dakota this week. When asked for comment, a mother of one of the bears claimed that they would’ve gotten off with a warning if they were polar bears.
  • The statistics of the Ashley Madison hack have been released and only 3 U.S. zipcodes had 0 members, 2 of which were in Alaska. This is likely because all 23 people in the state already know each other.
  • In this week’s installment of “Trump being Trump”: Donald Trump vowed to never eat Oreo’s again after the company’s decision to move it’s plant from Chicago to Mexico. This is similar to how he vowed to never look normal again after his hair’s decision to move from his head to his shower drain.

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  • In Pennsylvania, 1,404 bottles of rare wine are in the hands of a judge after they were seized from a private collector. The bottles of wine were then moved from the judge’s hands to his mouth before he announced his decision of, “What wine?”
  • It was announced this week that actress Megan Fox and her husband would be getting divorced. Now we just need to figure out how to build a time machine so you can be excited about this news back in 2007.
  • A Taiwanese boy tripped and punched through a $1.54 million masterpiece painting at an exhibit on Tuesday. Coincidentally, this jab was valued at the same price as each punch thrown in the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao dance-off.
  • Finally this week, authorities at the Miami International Airport said that they’ve been regularly finding cocaine and heroin in shipments of flowers. You can expect the romantic comedy, “Scarface II”, in theaters next summer.

Thanks for reading and check out next week’s update on Wednesday, September 2nd.

Wild Kangaroos In Arizona?

Only a few months after a pair of llamas ran wild in the streets of Arizona, a pair of kangaroos picked up where they left off. The Grand Canyon State is turning into a vacation spot for random animals that must be unaware of what a beach is. Nonetheless, it seems inevitable that a hotter, drier version of Noah’s Ark is beginning in the desert. Let’s get into this week’s story-lines to learn more about these Australian squirrels and other idiots from around the world:

  • Today, it was announced that Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle, is expected to plead guilty to child pornography charges after federal agents raided his home in July. Fortunately for Fogle, “$5 Footlongs” are complimentary for sex offenders in prison.
  • Josh Ostrovsky, aka “The Fat Jew”, lost his deal to create a pilot for Comedy Central after the world finally recognized that all of his jokes are plagiarized. However, Ostrovsky seemed unfazed by the incident by coining the phrase, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, shortly after the news broke.
  • A man is seeking to legalize his 3 pet ferrets in the state of California, even though they bite. Although the exact details are unknown, we can assume that if the man loses the case, he will be back to having 0 friends.
  • In Vermont, news came out that a college student has been living in a 96-square foot, solar powered house for 2 years. For the last time Rob, stop sending us Facebook requests; no one wants to come to your house party.
  • A Middle Tennessee teenager is alive this week thanks to Siri calling 911 for him after he was pinned underneath a car. Thankfully, Siri misunderstood “Pizza Hut” as “Police” and “Large pepperoni and mushroom” as “Help, I’m trapped under a car”.

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  • On Tuesday, 2 kangaroos escaped from a house in Tucson, Arizona and took to the streets. They celebrated a successful escape until they realized they were standing on a giant skillet while surrounded by wild dogs and plants covered in knives.
  • Today, the owner of AshleyMadison.com, the site that encourages cheating, has confirmed that hacked information about anonymous users, including names, has been posted online. This is a lucky day for all Johnson’s and Smith’s, but a terrible day for Ben Roethlisberger.
  • Donald Trump made another controversial comment this week about supermodel Heidi Klum by saying, “Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.” And who would know this better than an appearance expert that’s never been better than a 2.
  • And finally, this week in Idaho, transportation officials changed mile marker 420 to 419.9 after stoners kept consistently stealing the road sign. Other sign options to scare away stoners were a picture of a job application, a college application, and an empty box of twinkies.

Thanks for reading this week’s update and be sure to check out my next post on Wednesday, August 26th.

Sex, Drugs, and Sesame Street?

After decades on PBS, the channel known for putting people of all ages to sleep, Sesame Street has done it’s best impression of an NBA player and signed a 5-year deal with a new channel for more money. This new channel is more known for its swearing and nudity than its puppets and spelling lessons, so get ready for some real entertainment. Find out what channel Elmo and friends have taken their talents to and more in this weeks headlines:

  • This week, a town in Michigan started giving out hotdogs at town meetings in hopes of drawing more people to such a boring event. Or as this strategy is known in America: baseball.
  • In Ohio, a drone flying over a prison yard dropped drugs into the facility, which then started a fight. When asked to comment, an inmate said that John & Tyrone should’ve spent less money on a fancy bouquet and more on their wedding cake.
  • Burger King decided to bring back their chicken fries after a tweet from the band One Direction. Coincidentally, the one direction that chicken fries send you is straight to the cardiologist.
  • Federal prosecutors announced this week that a Long Island doctor steered his business to a New Jersey blood lab after accepting cash bribes and tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. Officials became suspicious when items being thrown on stage at his show included bras, underwear, and blood samples.

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  • It was announced today that the children’s show, Sesame Street, will officially be moving to HBO. Although a surprising move, producers decided it was easier to leave PBS than to get Oscar The Grouch to stop saying f*ck.
  • In Pennsylvania, police officers rescued a groundhog that had its head stuck in a tin can. After being rescued, the groundhog saw its shadow, meaning another 5 weeks on his Campbell’s soup diet.
  • On Tuesday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs pursued a paraglider by helicopter after he had flown over a jail. The chase ensued when the man ignored officer’s demands for him to pull over and put his hands up.
  • News broke from the world of embarrassing teams: New York Jets quarterback, Geno Smith, had his jaw broken by a teammate after a locker room altercation. Shortly after, the team announced that their flight to the playoffs had been cancelled for the 5th straight year.
  • Finally this week, rapper Tyga, 25, bought girlfriend, Kylie Jenner, a $320,000 car for her 18th birthday. The money came directly out of his jar labeled: “Statutory Rape Bailout Fund”, that he had been saving up for 2 years, but no longer needs.

Thanks for reading and check out next week’s update on Wednesday, August 19th.

They’re Adding WHAT Sport To The Olympics?

With sports like baseball and softball both being erased from the Olympic games, you’d have to imagine that their replacements must be pretty incredible, right? Not quite. Let’s get into the headlines from the week of July 30th-August 5th to see what poor decisions were made by the International Olympic Committee, as well as people from around the country:

  • This week, a Texas man somehow found his iPhone still working after he dropped it 9,800 ft. from an airplane. Samsung is yet to have a competing testimony since their 53 customers are smart enough to not drop their phones from planes.
  • Some unsurprising news from this week: New York Jets defensive lineman, Sheldon Richardson, was caught driving 143mph while carrying a gun and smelling like marijuana, all while a 12-year-old was in the car. After a thorough investigation, authorities came to the decision that the NFL is exactly where he belongs.
  • The Ohio man from last week who jumped into a cougar exhibit at the Columbus Zoo to pet the animals will now have to face 2 days in prison. Turns out that Mark totally misinterpreted the plan to “pick up cougars at the zoo”.
  • On Tuesday, Kermit the Frog announced that he and long-time partner, Miss Piggy, would be splitting up, and rumors have also surfaced that Homer and Marge Simpson will be getting a divorce. Apparently the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage is strongly affecting the cartoon community as well.

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  • On Sunday, the International Olympic Committee decided to officially recognize Ultimate Frisbee as a sport, meaning it could become the next Olympic event. This comes as great news to Frisbee makers, Frisbee sellers, and Steven, the Radio Shack employee that’s been waiting for this moment since he graduated in 2003.
  • On Saturday night, Ronda Rousey defeated Bethe Correia in just 34 second to defend her UFC Women’s title. Rousey is now the most effective anti-domestic violence campaign of all-time.
  • This week in New York, a Coast Guard helicopter had to make an emergency landing on a local golf course. The incident will go down in history as the only exciting thing to ever happen in golf.
  • In Illinois, a U.S. court found that a drug-sniffing dog failed the smell test. This is now the only logical reason as to why the University of Illinois was crowned the top party school in the nation for 2015.
  • And finally, this week Massachusetts police decided to reach out to drug dealers in the area on Facebook to give them the opportunity the provide information about their competitors. So now, if you need to find some weed in Massachusetts, there’s one guy and one guy only to talk to.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you all next week on Wednesday, August 12th.